Taking Spouse For Granted

Q: I’ve been married for over a decade, and I’m finally starting to realize that I basically take my wife for granted. How can I begin honoring her better?

Jim: I’ll use an illustration that might sound surprising: the ballet. A friend once told me about a famous Russian choreographer who said, “The ballet is woman.” What he meant is that the beauty of the dance is primarily captured by a woman’s grace, her strength and her expression of beauty through the language of movement.

In that context, the male ballet dancer’s primary role is to showcase his female partner. When he lifts and twirls her, she glows in the spotlight and the audience is enthralled. As he uses his strength to support her through intricate and difficult steps, he helps her achieve more from her performance than she could on her own. Then, as the audience rewards her with thunderous applause, the male dancer steps back into the shadows while she is adored and celebrated. He defers as she takes center stage.

Now, I know that type of role doesn’t come easy to most guys. But what if we husbands adopted the same attitude toward our wives? What if men asked ourselves: “How can I showcase my wife and honor her? How can I support her so that other people see the beautiful woman that I see? How can I bring out the best in her — and brag about her?” (If you’re more into team sports like football, try asking yourself: “How can I block a clear path so she can carry the ball and score a touchdown?”)

I agree with the dancer who said, “My job is to make the beautiful yet more beautiful.” I think that’s the job of every husband as well. Don’t just love your wife — cherish her and showcase her to others.

Q: What’s the difference between punishment and discipline? I want my kids to learn from their mistakes, but I don’t want to punish them. Can you help me understand and apply the difference between these two?

Dr. Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting & Youth: That’s a great question. There can be confusion about the difference between punishment and discipline. At its basic level, punishment is about abruptly stopping something — it’s from the outside moving inward. In other words, punishment tries to shape behaviors instead of what led to the decisions. Whereas discipline is about teaching from the inside out with the goal of shaping the child.

In my work with families, I have consistently seen children learn best through guidance within a trusting relationship. Eventually, your kids can experience more freedom as they consistently display healthy decision-making skills.

This is part of the end goal within an authoritative parenting style and the 7 Traits of Effective Parenting. Discipline is a key ingredient to build the foundation of high levels of sensitivity, understanding and empathy.

Punishment usually produces negative characteristics like guilt, shame, fear and more. At its worst, punishment focuses on the past and is driven by anger — leaving children confused or sad.

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