‘I’ve been single my entire life – here’s what happened when I asked someone out for the first time’

I’ve been single my entire 25 years, and while I’ve somewhat embraced it, I can’t always say I love it.

Over the years, I’ve been given a lot of advice – number one being, “You need to put yourself out there more.” As I approached a quarter of a century by myself, I thought, “Hey, let’s give it a shot.”

Big mistake.

It was a guy I had met through work. I thought we really aligned on a lot of things, so after our business was done I thought I’d ask him out. Just casually, no pressure.

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Three minutes after sending it, he left me on read.

Now, to you, this may be no big deal. Trust me, I thought so too. But what ensued was a frenzy of self doubt. Maybe he didn’t see it? Or maybe he saw it and forgot to reply? But who forgets when someone asks you out on a date?

After days of grappling with myself, I finally committed the worst sin possible – I double texted. Again, within five minutes, he saw it. But this time he responded. With a rejection.

‘OK,’ I thought, ‘that’s it, then’. I gave it a shot and it didn’t work out. I was somehow even more calm after getting a rejection than when getting ghosted. But what I didn’t expect was the spiral of emotions afterwards.

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My mind created every possible explanation for why he said no. Maybe he’s busy with work, maybe he has to work on himself, all avoiding the worst one – maybe he just doesn’t like me. I’ll spare you the rest of the details of the two months of torment (yes, it took me two months to get over a guy that ghosted me. Trust me, I’m more embarrassed than you are).

But in the process of all of this, I realised a lot about myself.

I realised I didn’t want to do all the emotional heavy lifting. I’ve spent my entire life looking after others, and it’s not to say that I wouldn’t be looking out for my partner, but I just want someone who’ll look after me, care for me, make me feel at ease. I don’t want to be on edge, making every move and taking the lead. It may not be a feminist girlboss move, but frankly, I’m just tired.

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I also realised (thanks to the endless TikTok videos my algorithm recommended to me) that I had what is called an anxious attachment wound, that I’m very frenzied when it comes to relationships and try to cling to every option with fervour, which more than likely drives the other person away.

I learned I have a scarcity mindset; that due to all my years alone, when someone approaches me, I feel like it’s the be all end all, that this is my one shot at love because based on past experiences, it’s not coming back.

I had to wade through a lot of s–t (and a lot of TikTok tarot card readings telling me he’s coming back) just to get to feeling slightly OK. At least OK enough to write this article.

I can’t say whether I’d jump into dating again, but I’m starting to realise it’ll be a valuable experience regardless of whether it works out or not. I always avoided the pressure to “date to find myself”. It didn’t seem fair to the other party to use them for my own self development.

But maybe that’s what my peers (who have more than likely been dating since their teens) had that I was missing all along. I’ll be able to work out more about myself in relation to others, after years of building my own self image up.

Maybe the heartbreak of dating is worth it even just for that?

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