Jimmy Kimmel, host of the 95th Academy Awards, roasted a series of targets in his opening monologue, from the length of the ceremony to Tom Cruise’s adherence to Scientology.
“We want you to have fun, we want you to feel safe, and most importantly, we want me to feel safe,” Kimmel said. “So, we have strict policies in place. If anyone in this theater commits an act of violence at any point during the show, you will be awarded the Oscar for best actor and permitted to give a 19-minute long speech.”
“No but seriously, the academy has a crisis team in place. If anything unpredictable or violent happens during the ceremony, just do what you did last year. Nothing. Sit there and do absolutely nothing. Maybe even give the assailant a hug,” he joked.
Kimmel cracked a joke about Cruise, who skipped this year’s event despite a raft of nominations for his blockbuster film Top Gun: Maverick, and his membership with the church of Scientology.
“Everyone loved Top Gun,” Kimmel said. “I mean, Tom Cruise with his shirt off in that beach football scene? L. Ron hubba hubba, you know what I’m saying?”
“You know, Tom and James Cameron didn’t show up tonight. The two guys who insisted we go to the theater didn’t come to the theater,” he added.
“Some of the cynics are saying Jim Cameron isn’t here because he didn’t get a best director nomination and while I find that very hard to believe about a man who such deep humility, he does have a point. I mean, how does the Academy not nominate the guy who directed Avatar? What do they think he is — a woman?”
“Thank you, ladies,” Kimmel replied to applause.
“It was some year for diversity and inclusion. We have nominees from every corner of Dublin,” he cracked, adding: “Five Irish actors are nominated tonight. Which means the odds of another fight on stage just went way up.”
Watch above, via ABC.
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